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| My mother, holding my son, at his Christening. February 10, 2002 |
Today is October 10, 2012. It has been 10 years to the day
since my beloved mother passed away after a short and sudden illness. She
became sick so quickly, that by the time I had reached the hospital, she was
already incoherent with a 106 degree fever. Three weeks later, she was gone. It
is the greatest regret of my life that I never got to say goodbye to my mother.
It is a heavy burden I’ve carried for ten long years. A burden I am ready to
put down.
When I was thinking of writing this story about her, I knew it would
be difficult, but also knew she deserved the tribute, and maybe it would help
me a little as well. I changed my mind repeatedly for the last few weeks about
what I would write, and then it came to me. Why not write the words I spoke for
her 10 years ago?, her eulogy, which I delivered at her funeral. Without
question the hardest thing I ever had to do, but when my family turned to me to
give tribute and insight into her life, it was a request I could never turn
down.
October
14, 2002
“One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes
from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of his
life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He
noticed that many times along the path of his life there were only one set of
footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest
times in his life. This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about
it. Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would walk with me
all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my
life, there was only one set of footprints. I can’t understand why when I
needed you most you would leave me. The Lord replied, my son, my precious
child, I love you and would never leave you. During your times of trial and
suffering, that you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried
you” This poem is entitled Footprints in the Sand. It was an absolute favorite
of my mother and I. She taught it to me when I was a young boy, and I have
believed in it ever since.
I
do take comfort in my certainty that during the last days of my mother’s life,
there were only one set of footprints on her beach. I know in my heart that God
was with her during her tiresome and valiant struggle. In the end, he carried
her all the way to her ultimate goal, which I am sure that everyone here, who
knew her, would agree that is where she has ended up. My brother Richard, Sister
Lisa, father Richard and I all walk with one set of footprints now, as God
carries us during our darkest hour. I know I can speak for all family members
when I say how special she was, how very much she was loved. And how she will
be sorely missed.
My mother died on a Thursday and as an
avid card player, I joked with my sister on how she made it just in time for
the saints Friday night card game. One thing I know is that she would be the
only one I would trust not to cheat. Maureen Ann Pecoraro, MSW, PhD (as she
liked to be addressed, wouldn’t you?) was the smartest and most honest person I
have ever known. I am 36 years old; I have known countless people in my
lifetime. I will say that again for emphasis, she was the smartest and most
honest person I have ever known. I think that statement speaks for itself. The
most important thing in my mother’s life was her faith. She always turned to
God, when times were tough, or her spirits were low, and incessantly encouraged
us to do the same. She not only personified the word Christian, she raised it
to another level, a level the rest of us should continue to strive for, in her
memory. If her faith was first in her life, then her family was certainly a
very close second. Her love for her husband and children were immeasurable, but
her grandchildren were her pride and joy. She loved to talk about them to
anyone who would listen, and I really don’t think it mattered to her if she
knew you or not. From the story of Ryan’s miraculous survival of his horrific,
catastrophic accident, which you all know by now, down to the arrival of her
newest grandchild, my son, Christian. She always looked at each of them with a
visible sparkle in her eye. Oh how I will miss the way she looked at my son.
My mother went back to college late in
her life, earning a BS, MSW, and PhD of psychology. She then turned her focus
on teaching and working with Autistic children. So typical of my mother, a
teacher and helper of others. There is no one on earth I respect more, and I
couldn’t have been prouder to be her first born son. There isn’t anything
Maureen Pecoraro wouldn’t do for you, again, didn’t matter whether she knew you
or not. She was also a good friend to many whom I didn’t even know. But as
stranger after stranger approached me at her wake, and told me stories about my
mother, something I suspected became evident. My mother had an impact on every
life she touched. She was a Christian, a mother, a wife, a grandmother, a
teacher, and a friend. I have nothing but fond happy memories of my mother, but
with one regret. And that is that my son will never know his grandmother.
However he will learn all about her from his mother and I, his grandfather,
aunt and uncle. Mom, if I raise him to be one-half the person you were, I will
be satisfied. The values of Christianity, love, faith, honesty, compassion, the
values you taught me, will be the foundation of our teaching. But he won’t be
perfect Mom, and when the truth tries to hide, and integrity falls a little bit
shy, I promise you Mom, he will hear YOUR echo in my words, and he will feel
the love of his nanny. Richard, Lisa, Daddy and I miss you Mom. We will miss
you every day that we are alive, until the time comes when we will all meet
again, in the place we know you already are. Goodbye Mom I LOVE YOU
After much
thought, it became obvious to me that this was the ideal way to pay tribute to
my mother. It was difficult using this eulogy, words I haven’t even been able
to look at until recently. I remember vividly sitting in the church pew, before
it was my time to read, praying to God, practically begging him, for the
strength I would need to read this aloud to a packed church. It was the least I
could do, I felt, to honor my mother. With a few small pauses, I was able to
complete it. As I descended from the podium. I felt weak as I returned to the
pew. It was there that my brother was standing, waiting for me. I practically
collapsed into his arms, as we both sobbed and consoled each other.
My mothers
influence didn’t only apply to those she taught in school. There isn’t anything
I do or say as an adult, that didn’t come from her teaching me as a child.
Sometimes I get so filled with an idea or emotion, that I am moved to write.
That comes from her, a brilliant, published writer in her own right. Every act
of kindness, or good deed I ever do, comes from her. All the good my children do (there is plenty),
rests firmly on the foundation she built for me many years ago. For that let me
simply say thank you Mom. Maureen Pecoraro wasn’t just my mother, she was my
heroine, my idol, and a true icon for all that is good and honest in people.
As I cross
the fault line, from then until now, two things became clear to me while I
reviewed this eulogy, and ultimately decided to use it. One, is that I am a
better writer now that I was ten years ago (ha ha ha), and two, I wish I had
looked at these words sooner than I did. For revisiting the feelings I felt
then, in the deepest way I could, have been nothing short of cathartic for me.
I miss my mother more than words could express, as much today as I did ten
years ago. Nothing gives me more satisfaction in life, than to see the good
inside both of my sons, and to know exactly where that good came from. Thank
you Mom, I love you. Your first born son, Darren
Maureen
Ann Pecoraro, MSW, PhD
November
1, 1942-October 10, 2002
Darren Pecoraro is a 46 year old retired stay-at-home dad from Englishtown NJ. He enjoys all sports, especially golf, music, and writing. His greatest love is his wife, Adele, and their two boys, Christian, and Andrew.
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